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Make An Impact

10/25/2016

Happy Grati-Tuesday, friends!

I tend to have spiritual connections with many people in my life. I have predicted events, I've "seen" people in their struggles (even as they live cross-country), and I've energetically picked up when someone's in need of assistance.

How could I know that she needed a phone call? Did I really "see" him on my porch, reaching out to me? Was that a real voice I heard, or just my imagination?

After many weird and wild events over most of my life, I've learned not to question any of it anymore.

I just roll with it...

So it shouldn't be a surprise when I have a kindred experience with new people, but it always leaves me speechless.

But when Jeff entered my life, I was not prepared for how he would leave an indelible mark on me.

Our connection was immediate and our conversations were deep, yet playful. You wouldn't have known that I had only been in his company for a total of 9 hours. But in that short time, I learned more about him than I'd learned about other men whom I'd known for months, some even years.

Based on an email exchange we'd developed during the previous few weeks, we met for lunch, which happened to turn into a full and eventful day. He was vulnerable, kind, and compassionate. He teared up when he recounted having to fire an employee in his previous high-powered job, and later cried while describing how his brother's brain cancer was devastating his family.

I knew I was drawn to him on some whacky spiritual plane, but I had no idea how that would play out.

Despite never seeing him again, he came to mind several times over several months. About six months after we'd met, I decided to reach out with a text. I was following what felt right--to reach out, in concern, because something about him kept calling out to me.

Nothing ever came back.

A few weeks ago I was visiting my brothers-in-law in Austin when the subject of Jeff came up. Having previously lived in Texas before moving to Seattle, it felt natural to talk about him. Upon my return home, I decided to look him up.

It took a second and third glance at my computer screen before I realized that I'd stumbled upon his obituary.

The date of his death was months before, when I'd reached out with my text.

Jeff impacted me deeply and I knew it the moment it happened. I didn't know why, and I had no foresight about how our connection would play out (or not). I just knew that I'd been spiritually and profoundly touched.

His passing has taught me that we never know how, where, or when we may leave an impression on others, so never underestimate your impact in the world.

Be bold, be brave, speak up, be yourself.

You won't be able to predict who may benefit from you showing up, but the world will be changed because you did.

Namaste.

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Being Involved With An Addict Isn't Always Obvious...

1/17/2015

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A friend of mine sent me the article, 10 Signs You May Be Involved With a Sex Addict, By a Sex Addict and it intrigued me because—although I was married to a sex addict for ten years—the signs Brian Whitney outlines were not present in my home. That doesn't mean Brian isn't telling the truth—it only means that one can be involved with a sex addict without these tell-tale symptoms. I know, because it happened to me...

I wish some of the symptoms outlined below were obvious in my home. Perhaps that would've forced me to face reality earlier, or get help sooner. I had an idea that something was wrong, but I never could have articulated what that problem was—certainly not an addiction, and absolutely not a sex addiction. That never crossed my mind, not once, because that was a subject found only in the stories of the TV Soaps.

What I now know is that my intuition was the most pervasive symptom that a larger problem was looming in our marriage. Had I listened more closely, or investigated more thoroughly, I may have stumbled across his addiction. It was only in hindsight that all of the clues unfolded, and only when I looked backward that I recognized some symptoms.

My responses to Brian's list, based on my own experience:

He lies all the time. I was not aware of this until my husband's 'other life' was disclosed ten years after we were married. My husband was evasive during arguments, but I never would've suspected that he was lying to me daily.

He cheats on you. I had no idea he had been seeking out affairs for the length of our marriage. I often referred to him a 'puppy dog' who seemed to need me around for comfort, for company, for approval. I often said that if anyone were to have an affair in our marriage, it would be me because he was so loyal...and I knew how incapable I was of cheating. I trusted him implicitly.

He has had no long-term stable relationships. This was one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband. I knew he'd been in long-term relationships, which meant he probably wasn't afraid of commitment.

He masturbates all the time, even after sex. I have no idea. I never witnessed this, nor did I suspect it. Our sex life was not unusual, kinky, or weird. We were an average couple with a good sex life. Eventually, we were tired parents of 3 babies under five years old, also with a normal sex life. Nothing seemed abnormal.

He's into some kinky stuff sexually. Nope. Never was. He was loving and attentive during lovemaking, and when I refused his advances, he never got upset, nor did he make me feel guilty. He did paw at my breasts and reach for my crotch when the timing wasn't the greatest, and at times I would lash out in frustration that I was not to be used as a possession, but this was not a daily thing. Weren't all husbands sometimes like this?

He is secretive about his phone and computer use. Well, considering his story came out in 1996, cell phones were hardly popular yet. We shared a phone as big as a shoe but it was usually in my possession. He did not seem secretive about much, but yes, there were a few times I'd wake up in the wee hours of the night and storm into the living room, wondering where the hell he was. He would sheepishly and slowly shut down his computer, but I was never suspicious that he was hiding anything. It was only in retrospect that I realized what he was probably up to.

He is extremely confident and controlling sexually. Never controlling. And while I wouldn't call him confident sexually, he was not timid or shy, either. He was attentive, loving, and yes, sometimes emotionally absent, but I never suspected a huge, glaring, sexual problem. How could I when sex addiction was not even on my radar?

He flirts all the time. Nope. Never, at least not in my company. He was a bit shy and quiet while in a crowd. He was confident in his group of like-minded colleagues, so he was funny and engaging, but never, ever flirtatious. If anything, he'd see me from across the room and give me 'that' look that said he wanted me (what wife doesn't love that?). I knew he loved me.

When you call him on any of his shit, he manipulates you and turns things around. He hated confrontation, he was passive-aggressive, and he needed to be right, so yes, maybe he was manipulative because he wanted out of our arguments as soon as possible. But I just thought our marital “dance” was a typical one for a couple in the middle of a fight. I also passed off his “fighting issues” as a personal quirk, perhaps a “guy thing” used to avoid any difficult conversation.

I now know that the nature of sex addiction is about an extreme avoidance of anything resembling intimacy because that was often compromised in the young addict's life. He escapes into fantasy or acts-out in response to any hint of vulnerability. Avoiding reality feeds the addiction.

You think he might be a sex addict. I had no idea what that was in 1996. Had anyone suggested it, I would've vehemently denied there was a sexual issue. Sex addiction was reserved for the episodes of General Hospital, not my 'normal' household.

Because the symptoms are not always obvious, my advice to those who feeeeel that something is off-kilter or odd or weird—should listen. Always listen to that small, quiet voice that is trying to get your attention.

I spent many days over several years, feeling terrible for wishing that my husband would get killed in a car accident. I knew something was not right with us, but because nothing in my world suggested he was in the middle of raging addiction, I just assumed I was a horrible wife who was never appreciative enough.

But I also felt that it was easier to wish him dead and begin anew, than to try again and again and again to decipher what the hell was wrong in our relationship. I eventually became exhausted, then despondent, then I stopped caring altogether.

Addictions create damage in relationships, jobs, finances, and/or health issues—usually far beyond anyone's control. If it could happen to me—a college-educated, world-traveling, “normal” nurse and mother of three, it could happen to anyone.

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It Could Be You

7/21/2014

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I was happily enjoying my breakfast with a friend at our favorite Sunday morning cafe when something I said apparently irked off the customer at the next table. A voice behind me was directing angry accusations my way and I felt myself beginning to bristle at his tone and nosey-ness. But instead of returning his volley with equally menacing words, I looked his way and softly asked, “Excuse me?”

He was trying to blame me for his angst, but unlike many times before when I assumed I was to blame for someone else's anger, I knew his hot-headed words had nothing to do with me. He had been angry long before I uttered the words that tipped him over the edge.

I didn't have to reply defensively. It wasn't personal to me, but it obviously was to him. He was in emotional pain and I didn't have to escalate the discussion by provoking him any further, but I could possibly have a hand in helping him. So I let him rant before asking, “Has something similar happened to you?” and immediately, I knew I'd hit a sore spot. He hung his head before quietly replying, “Yes.”

How easy is it for many of us to lash back at someone who is already in a heap of pain, believing that their anger is all about us? We take it personally when an enraged driver cuts us off the road, or a less-than-nice clerk throws our precious tomatoes in the bottom of our grocery bag. But do we really know what's behind their heated behaviors?

We can't possibly know what heartbreak or worry or tragedy another is facing.

As my friend and I continued to engage in the conversation with our breakfast neighbor, we learned that he, indeed, had a lot to be angry about. The circumstances in his life were not menial, nor overblown, but real and frightening. And whatever I'd thought about the man just moments earlier was now glossed over by how much compassion I felt for the poor guy.

He must have felt it, too. As we bid each other good-byes, he seemed sheepish for having unraveled in front of strangers. But because the conversation was one of compassion and love for another human being, we all benefitted. Isn't that why we reach out to another person, after all? To lend an ear, a shoulder, a word of kindness for whatever one is facing, to show that he is not alone?

Remember to act kindly, to behave compassionately, and to think of others' struggles as we wander through our days.

The next person who may need help from a stranger could be you.

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Make An Impact

Being Involved With An Addict Isn't Always Obvious...

It Could Be You

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