Back From Betrayal
Katie Kramer, RN/Life Coach/Author
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Would You Choose Option B?

5/27/2017

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"Option A is not available, so let's just kick the shit out of Option B." ~ Sheryl Sandberg

Watch this poignant video about how one woman turned the tragedy of losing her husband into choosing a new way of living life without him.

Many of us have experienced the devastation of losing someone or something, and we've probably all wished that our losses would not have happened.

But sadly, with divorce, death, or a loss of a dream, we don't ever get the chance to have our old lives back.

What we do get is the opportunity to live life in a new way by adopting a new perspective, even in the wake of monumental grief.

When my husband's secret life was revealed, our children were just one, three, and five. Oh, how I had spent many hours wishing that his disclosure of addiction hadn't happened!

As expected, I was immediately thrown into shock and pain--not just for hours--but for days, weeks and months. Living through the subsequent 20 months was like getting poked in the eye with a hot skewer.

Repeatedly.

I didn't necessarily want Option A anymore, but I did want back what I thought I had: a loyal husband and devoted father.

But that was no longer an option.

Thankfully, I had enough grit to seek out a fresh start, and choose a new way of life for me and three kids.

I wanted to live with fearless authenticity. I wanted a life filled with love and excitement. I wanted my children to experience a healthy family, even if they came from a broken marriage.

Without knowing it, I had chosen Option B.

And twenty one years later, I have zero regrets.  

 
Choosing Option B allowed me to lean into a world filled with new possibilities. I challenged old thoughts and behaviors; I joined new groups; I made new friends; I traveled more; I adopted gratitude as a way of life; and I thrived in the face of heartache and loss. I even changed careers to empower other women in the same situation.

And as we experienced new challenges and freedoms as a family, our lives opened up and showered us with all sorts of blessings. Money and jobs appeared out of nowhere just when they were needed; we moved cross-country at an optimal time; we found our new tribes who have remained our closest friends.

While I once felt devastated about losing Option A, I have never looked back and wished that I could reclaim my former life. 

Because losing Option A gave me and my children so much more in return: a full life in all of its messiness.

We learned that life can be both beautiful and sad; full of blessings and losses; gratifying and troublesome; and inspiring and tragic.

But we've never chosen to option-out of our lives, despite the risks of a broken heart or a painful truth.

I've since chosen Option B a few more times, and I have reaped invaluable rewards--again. I am now confident that I can choose Option B over and over and live through it with some semblance of grace.

How about you? Are you willing to choose Option B if Option A is no longer available?

I happen to love Option B.

Its unexpected blessings have yielded far more than I would have ever known without first losing Option A.  

Much love,  
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When Clients Hate Their Coach...

3/11/2017

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"Seek a coach who scares you a little. Encounters with great coaches tend to be filled with feelings of respect, admiration, and, often, a shiver of fear. This is a good sign." ~ Dan Coyle 

I'm not out to scare my clients, but I do understand how I sometimes instill fear in them.  

I often require the people who work with me to do or say things that scare the crap out of them. They trust me enough to do it, while they simultaneously hate me for nudging them out of their comfortable lives to do something daring.

It brings up all of their discomfort. All of their insecurities. All of their blocks about why they couldn't do the daring thing before I became their coach.

I get it.

But in order to grow beyond where they are now, they have to endure feeling uncomfortable while leaping into an unknown future.

It's why so many people refuse to do it. It brings up so much discomfort that some people prefer walking back into their comfortable and predictable lives--the same lives that sent them into coaching with me in the first place.

Staying safe is often preferable to feeling freaked out. Even if that safety means they don't get to have their dream lives, dream marriage, or dream job.

They sell themselves short. But that's how much they allow their fear to dominate their lives.

If they let it.

The only way to circumvent that fear is to just do it, anyway. Action is the antidote to fear.

I used to be terrified of public speaking, even though I also felt a giddy high while behind any podium. But for some unknown reason, my body hated it. I shook. My voice cracked and stuttered. My knees trembled.

How could I want to be a public speaker so badly when I could barely stand in front of a group without also wanting to vomit or flee?

I tried again and again, but finally felt too afraid to continue. I became afraid of my fear: afraid of looking, acting and sounding stupid by trembling or stuttering. So I held myself back, and kept the public speaker in me "safe" by rarely introducing her.

I can't tell you when it changed, but one day a few years ago, I'd had enough of my fear. I suddenly realized that I didn't care if my body went into hysterics. I didn't care if I threw up. I didn't care if I fainted. I had a story to tell and damn it, I was going to tell it!

And guess what happened?

The fear disappeared.

I'm not joking when I say it disappeared that moment. So it was never public speaking that caused the fear in the first place; it was my fear of embarrassment of how my body would react that made me shut-down.

Once I no longer cared about looking foolish, my fear of humiliation had no impact on me anymore. It could no longer scare me because I was no longer fretting about it or anticipating its arrival.

What about you?

Are you willing to face your fear and do that one scary thing, anyway?

Feel your anxiety? Do it anyway.

Hear your voice trembling? Say it anyway.

Feel your heart beating wildly? Face it anyway.

Just Do It! as Nike proclaims, and you'll find peace and joy and celebration waiting on the other side. 

Try it.

You may even begin to love it.  


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What do you really, REALLY want? 

2/15/2017

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"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservation, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality, nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit." ~
Christopher McCandless

Because it's the month of LOVE, let's take a moment to see how much and how well you are loving yourself.

So let me ask you: what do you really, really want for your life?

Make a list of everything you want to have/do/be in the near or distant future--whether it's better health, a new job, better pay, a new marriage, more confidence, more peace, more love, a new home, or a trip to a new state.

Now, how close are you right now, today, to what you really, really want? Is the gap between the two lists extreme, or are you closer to your dream life than you think?

The gap between present-day and your future is where you are being challenged to change, to grow, and to risk your unhappy or "safe" situation, and go for what you really want.

Let's say you're already on an exercise program and you'll soon be fitting into your summer clothes, something you've been wanting for a long time. The difference between where you are today and where you hope to be by summer is attainable without much more effort.

But remember, the start of your goal may have looked daunting. The desire to lose weight by summer may have challenged you to change some habits and confront some limiting thinking, and despite those challenges, you persevered, and you made it!

But what if you're in an unhealthy marriage with a partner who has no desire to work on the relationship, and you really, really want an emotionally healthy and mutually fulfilling marriage?

The difference between what you have today and where you want to be in the future is huge. That difference is where you are being called upon to begin taking steps toward your new future.

Will it be uncomfortable to confront your  complacency, or scary to have a serious discussion with your mate to get what you really, really want in your marriage?

You can count on it.

But how uncomfortable, sad, or unsatisfying will it be for you to stay in a situation that feels "safe," settling for much less than you want, then missing the chance to get something so much better?  

Loving yourself means taking risks on your own behalf; it means stepping into the person you are destined to be instead of the person you pretend to be; and it means allowing yourself to receive what you really, really want.

Loving yourself IS the gap between your two lists.

Are you ready to start changing something today so that your life begins to resemble your future dream life?

It's never too late to begin.  

 
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    Author

    After being raised in the mid-west, I migrated south for high school (with a year in Brazil) and college, and ventured west for a long marriage (and later, divorce)...and eventually landed in the northwest--my real home. Sigh. 

    I am a Teacher, Healer, Single Mother, Nurse, Coach, Columnist, Artist, Author, Traveler, Motivator...eager to share myself with you. 

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