Back From Betrayal
Katie Kramer, RN/Life Coach/Author
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The Power of Knowing

9/16/2017

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As a nurse, I'm pretty fastidious about getting my annual check-ups. It's the only time I see an MD because I've been blessed with good health.  
 
But after my annual blood draw last month, I was referred to a hematologist, a doctor who specializes in blood disorders.  
 
I was surprised, but not worried, because when I asked myself if something felt wrong in my body, my immediate "knowing" was Nope.  
 
I also rationalized that if something was really wrong, I would've had an appointment immediately, but instead, I was given a date a month out.  
 
I promptly forgot about it until I had to rearrange my work schedule to go, but feeling concerned didn't even occur to me.    
 
Until, of course, I pulled up to a building today that read: "Cancer Care Center."
 
For the first time, it felt just a bit too real.  
 
As I climbed the steps toward the bathroom, I asked myself again: Do I resonate with having cancer?
 
Again, I heard: Not one bit.  
 
At the check-in desk, my blase attitude began to lean toward concern as I was handed a large stack of papers to fill out. When I mentioned that this was only a consultation, the gal replied that everyone--whether diagnosed with blood disorders or cancer--gets the same packet.  
 
The visit suddenly felt a bit more worrisome.  
 
Everyone in the waiting room looked my way and I imagined them thinking, "There's the new girl. She still looks well, but everything is about to change for her."   
 
I sat next to a couple waiting for their loved one who was coming out of a procedure. I heard one of them whisper, "Thank you, Jesus" when a nurse informed them that all had gone well.   
 
I filled out the stack of papers in minutes since most of my answers were negative: I do not have any symptoms. I don't have pain or nausea or headaches. I have no history of problems, and I only take 3 pills a day, two of them non-prescription.  
 
Then I glanced at the TV screen on the wall that was showing a film about cancer survivors. I was surprised when I saw my sweet friends' face, her hair cropped close to her head, talking about her experience with cancer. She had survived, but her prognosis on that day was still unknown. I could see the sadness and worry in her eyes as she described life with cancer.  
 
I suddenly felt such love and awe for her and for the painful and triumphant fight she had endured. I was nearly crying.   
 
Then the thought hit me: This could be me, too. What if my world changes today, in an instant, just like Annie's had?   
 
With blurry eyes, I returned my packet to the desk. My mind tried to imagine what life would look like with a diagnosis of cancer but I quickly dismissed it.    
 
There is nothing wrong with me, I reminded myself.  
 
Instead, I imagined what I wished I had done before today, before a possible and sudden change in plans.  
 
And that's when I felt a powerful surge overtake me. It was the same surge that ran through my body when my life was altered some years ago:  
 
I was standing in my living room, "knowing" that divorce was imminent. All that we'd planned for, saved for, and fought for was going to be lost. My only regret was that we'd wasted so much time doing things that barely mattered.  
 
In that moment, I no longer cared about our money, our cars, or nice home, because it would soon be gone. What mattered was our happiness, our dreams, and living life fully.  
 
That profound experience turned me around, pointing me toward a future of chasing dreams instead of merely wishing them to happen. I began to live boldly for the next several years.  
 
Until I stopped. The details about why I stopped aren't important here, but the sentiment to continue living boldly was with me today.  
 
There is little time to waste. It's time to go for everything I want. NOW.  
 
My reverie was interrupted by someone calling my name. I was taken to my room where (no surprise) my blood pressure registered 150/100. I told the CNA how unfair it was to take it minutes before a consultation in a cancer care center.  
 
She agreed and we shared a good laugh.  
 
Minutes later, the doc came bounding in and his first words were: "What are you doing here?"
 
Assuming he was commiserating with me about the possibility that my life could change for me today, I answered, "I haven't a clue; you tell me."
 
He wheeled his chair close to me with his face inches from mine and said, "Nothing is wrong with you. Not one damn thing. You shouldn't even be here."
 
I almost cried.
 
He opened his computer screen to show me an eight-year history of labs. Although I had an obvious trend toward falling lymphocyte values, my overall hematologic trend was perfect. I took my first normal breath since seeing Annie on the screen.  
 
And then it was over.   
 
Doc led me to the check-out desk where he put my paperwork down on the counter in front of me. With his pen, he drew a slash across the page.  
 
"No charge" he told the receptionist, then turned to me and reached for my hand. "Nice to meet you; I never want to see you here again." He winked as he walked away.  
 
I teared up: for his generosity, for his humanity, and for my relief.    
 
I knew all along that I was okay.  
 
But the possibility that today could have just as easily ended in a different outcome scared me enough to consider how I live my life.   

It also proved that I know, without any doubt, that I am aware of what is right and true for me and my life. 
 
I have changes to make, big things to create, and places I want to go. Coming a bit too close to an altered future shook me up enough to expedite my roadmap.    
 
I refuse to waste another minute indulging in fear or hesitance before venturing forward.    
 
So this is my message for you: What do you already know to be true for yourself and your life?  
 
Listen to it.  
 
My experience today also begs the question: If you had six months to live, what would you change today? What would you do, where would you go? How would you live?  
 
Then go out there and do it.   
 
Because your life can change with a single blood draw. 
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Do Work That Feeds Your Soul

5/23/2017

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"Do whatever work feeds your true self, even if it's not a safe bet, even if it's like a crazy risk, even if everyone in your life tells you you're wrong or bad or crazy." ~ Leaving the Saints by Martha Beck

When my youngest graduated high school nearly four years ago, I set out to complete a dream that had already been twenty-years-in-the-making. When she was one-year-old and my life underwent a monumental change, I decided to become a Life Coach. 

I'd been through such a life-altering experience that I knew I could help others in the same situation. And coaching has always been such an innate part of me; I just didn't have the formal training, nor the know-how to begin a business at that time.

And then, life happened. And my dream was set aside.

But upon my daughter's graduation two decades later, I knew it was time to dust off that old wish and just jump into it.

I quit my nursing job and sought out training.

People around me thought I was nuts.

But I felt where my heart was leading me, and it wasn't found in the halls of hospitals anymore.

By the end of the following year, I was a full-fledged life coach, but I was also still not making much money, and my savings account was quickly being drained.

Uh-oh.

I realized that my business would take longer to set up and make sustainable, so I found another nursing job to cover the bills for a while.

Friends and family sighed with relief.

But my soul started balking.

Nursing was not what my soul was longing for anymore; I'd had a good run spanning almost three decades, but it was time to pursue my new passion.

(Not surprisingly, the new nursing job didn't last long, either).

So I kept at coaching while my friends and family held their breath. At that point, even I began doubting my ability to become a life coach with a full-time clientele.

Even I began to think I was nuts.

It was taking much longer than I'd anticipated, it was draining my savings and retirement accounts, and I was losing faith that it would ever happen.

But I kept at it because I was following what made my soul happy: I hosted workshops; I wrote blogs and newsletters; I continued my weekly column; I spoke on the radio; and I kept working with clients.

And ever so slowly, somewhere along the way, it began to take shape. It's not yet a full-time gig, but that's okay. I'm happy; fulfilled; proud.

I continue to feed my true self, even on the days when it doesn't feel like a safe bet, because I trust that it will one day become what I've envisioned all along.

What about you?

What work would you do that feeds your true self, even if it's not a safe bet, even if it's like a crazy risk, even if everyone in your life tells you you're wrong or bad or crazy?  

 
Much love,   
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Care for Your Anxious, Exhausted Self

5/13/2017

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"If you long for the world to be a saner, more loving place, please be advised that you must start inside. Care for your sick, anxious, exhausted self as lovingly as you want to care for every suffering thing." ~
Martha Beck
 
I hosted a workshop last weekend and it turned out to be one of the more popular ones I've given in the past two years. I believe it's because of the title:

"How to Get Back Up When Life Takes You to Your Knees" is relatable to just about everyone. And in today's trying times, lots of people are in pain.

You've all been there: living life to the best of your ability when suddenly, out of left field, an intrusive event happens that rocks your world.

Your spouse wants a divorce; you've lost your job; your kid is in trouble; your friend wants to break-up.

It doesn't matter if it's a monumental ground-shaker, or a disappointing moment. If it rattles your life in any way, it's probably safe to say that it also changes the playing field for your future.

I was witness to a room full of brave women who fearlessly shared their heart-stopping stories. They were authentic and honest and vulnerable.

So were their stories.


There wasn't a dry eye in the room for some of our time together. The heaviness of their life-altering moments, and their subsequent shock and sadness, was palpable.

But there was also a common thread that has kept many of them stuck in their own versions of misery: they hadn't yet taken the time--or enough time--to feel their sadness and shock after their life-changing event before re-engaging in their lives.

Radical self-care was a topic we discussed and it was obvious that this concept eluded many.

Because, what is the first thing that happens when an unexpected event shatters your current status quo?

Despite the enormity of your emotions, you probably force yourself to keep going to the point of sheer exhaustion. Your life gets taken care of--sort of--from washing the dishes to picking up the kids from daycare, to paying the bills, and showing up for work on time.

But you also ignore your finest commodity: Yourself.

Everything working in your life hinges on your willingness to be gentle with yourself, to be patient while you heal, and to take time to feel the full gamut of emotions that are sure to overtake you. You can't be expected to re-engage in life until you've at least begun to take care of yourself.

Sadly, most people are not willing--or don't know how--to implement radical self care. But saying 'no' to anything that is not a necessary 'yes' is crucial for the sake of your own healing.

I bet you "feel bad" for taking this time for yourself, don't you? Or for saying 'no' to friends and family, even when your own healing is at stake.


Resistance to reaching out for help, support, or guidance is common because you think you can do it alone. But accepting that you need help is a critical first step in implementing radical self-care.  

It provides relief and pampering when you need it most. Surround yourself with positive self-talk, supportive friends and family, and physical acts of self-love (naps, pedicures, baths, quiet time, etc).

Most people are not very good at self-care because everyone is more used to putting themselves at the bottom of their to-do lists.

But you wouldn't tell your child, spouse, or friend to "get up and get going" after a life-changing event, would you?

Nope.

You would coddle, nurture, encourage, and protect them. You would allow their full range of pain. You would allow them space and time to heal. You would be their biggest cheerleader.


You owe yourself the same amount of respect, love, and tender loving care. 

As you surrender to your version of radical self-care, you will begin to heal, making space for more joy, more fun, and more LIFE.

 
This seems counter-intuitive, but it works.

So if you're in the midst of an overwhelming, terrifying or sad life transition, practice radical self-care in small, tender ways.

Then watch both your attitude and your life change.
 


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    Author

    After being raised in the mid-west, I migrated south for high school (with a year in Brazil) and college, and ventured west for a long marriage (and later, divorce)...and eventually landed in the northwest--my real home. Sigh. 

    I am a Teacher, Healer, Single Mother, Nurse, Coach, Columnist, Artist, Author, Traveler, Motivator...eager to share myself with you. 

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