Back From Betrayal
Katie Kramer, RN/Life Coach/Author
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Getting Kicked in the Gut by Life

8/8/2017

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"All the adversity I've had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me... You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you." ~ Walt Disney

Think about it...

What has been the very worst day or moment of your life? When did your world cave in on you so completely that you were thrown into a new reality where nothing was familiar and everything felt terrifying?

If you haven't yet experienced anything resembling this, I almost feel sad for you.

Not that I'm wishing ill health or misfortune onto you, but I know--first hand--how my world became a brighter and happier place to live after healing the most devastating event in my life.

And I wish that for everyone.

For me, it was March 23, 1996 when my then-husband of ten years came home from work and disclosed--sort of--that he'd had an affair. I say "sort of" because I had to guess by the way he was acting: evasive, jittery, angry--not his normal demeanor--and by the way my intuition was screaming at me.

And it wasn't even the whole truth.

After an agonizing few weeks of marinating in huge amounts of grief, rage, and disbelief about an affair, I discovered that he'd been having affairs for the length of our marriage.

Talk about a swift and mighty kick to the gut.

Our babies were one, three, and five, with two still in diapers. I wasn't working much, and I was under the illusion that he was the most loyal man I'd ever known.

I had no idea what to do or where to turn.

So in my desperation and grief, I did the one thing that felt sane: I let go.

I caved. I cried. I asked for help. I screamed. I wrote. I reached out to God, family, and friends.

Yes, it was mostly gut-wrenchingly painful and heart-stoppingly awful. But as I allowed life to take the lead--with me often kicking and screaming as I felt dragged along--I began to change.

Most days were long and difficult, with the occasional sprinkling of hope. But as the days turned to weeks, then months, something different was happening: I was seeing reality for what it was, not for what I'd hoped it was. And life took on a new and colorful hue.

I had to drop old expectations and fantasies. I had to face awful truths and confront monumental lies. I had to look at myself and uncover my own insecurities, illusions, and mis-perceptions.

I had to be willing to become someone new.

And as I gave in to my new life, I began to heal.

Within a few years, I was strong enough to endure a divorce, then I wrote a book about my story. A few years later, I moved my kids cross-country where I confronted and healed my history of sexual abuse (another kick in the gut).

I once thought I'd never, ever get over the blow to my marriage and my life, but as I did the hard and tedious work of self-discovery, the agony of betrayal dissolved.

All that remained were the blessings.

What I remember is the the courage I cultivated, the strength I nurtured, and the joy I found on the other side of pain. I reclaimed my self-respect and acted in ways that supported my life.

For the first time, I felt empowered and whole, and it could not have happened without first having endured a huge shift in my thoughts and behaviors.

Essentially, I would not have discovered a new life without first getting kicked in the teeth.

So if you are facing a blow to your life right now, remember somewhere in your grief that life will one day become bright and kind again, and that your agony will be used for everything good.

I can almost guarantee it.


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Your Body, Your Ally

7/25/2017

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"You're one piece of a jigsaw puzzle: as you begin to move into your true shape, the pieces around you either change to match you, or stop fitting." ~ Martha Beck
 

I lived in Santa Fe for 17 years; it's where much of my adult life happened: I established myself as a Pediatric/Maternity Nurse and Instructor; my three children were born and raised; we bought two homes; and my 15-year marriage ended. Some of my most cherished--and difficult--memories are of Santa Fe.

It's also a place known for its rich culture, art, picturesque landscape, and as a lesser-known characteristic: its woo-woo.

Santa Feans love their crystals, Wiccan, prayer circles, Tribal sweat lodges, and eastern medicine influences.

And after my marriage imploded, I got very involved in the woo-woo. I chased it; I craved it; and when I practiced it consistently, it felt like home to me.

So it was no surprise that I consulted a Natural Healer after dealing with colon upset that wouldn't go away, and western medicine couldn't heal.

But when she began to practice her magic on me, I felt a bit skeptical, even worried.

After a lengthy intake and her genuine interest in all of my symptoms, she asked me to stand up and place my arms at right angles to my body. I lifted my arms as if ready for take-off, then she placed a small vial of something in each hand.

She stood in front of me and in one motion, her hands pushed both of my arms down toward the floor.

To my surprise, one arm stayed steady while one became weak and limp.

"This is the one," she said, as she handed me the vial that was tucked into the fist of the arm that stayed upright. "This is what your body prefers."

She was right, of course. My gut did heal with that preferred medication, but what really impressed me was how she knew it. Or rather, how my body knew which remedy to "choose".

I have since practiced this many times--with food, with decisions, and preferences. Bodies go limp in the presence of things that are not right for them, and bodies stay strong when presented with something that's good or nourishing.

You can practice this right now without even doing the weird "Arm Thing"--as my Coaching Mentor calls it.

Think of something you love: sandy beaches, mangoes, or your favorite person. It doesn't matter what you picture. What matters is how your body reacts.

Do you feel a skip in your heart, a surge of energy, or a feeling of elation or peace?

Now think of something you hate. How does your body react? Do you feel sluggish, unmotivated, or sad?

See? You now know a bit of woo-woo to help you with decisions that have once eluded or stumped you.

Why? Because your body is your biggest ally. It knows what your mind does not. The problem is, we usually don't trust our body's signals of pain or sickness or elation because we've been conditioned to believe that our minds are stronger and smarter.

Not so.

Your only goal as you practice this form of woo is to follow your body's joy, peace, and excitement. If your body responds with less than anything but heart-jumping whistling, don't follow it, don't choose it, and don't do it.

But don't be surprised if you begin to love this practice so much that you excitedly share it with family and friends, and they think you're off your rocker.

Practicing anything that isn't considered logical feels a bit foreign and weird to most people--sometimes too weird. And that often equals threatening.

But no need to fret.

As you move into your true shape--whether you're chasing woo-woo or something else--the people who are closest to you are bound to feel a bit displaced. They will either try to fit into their true shape, too, or they will stop fitting with you altogether.

If you find people or things disappearing from your life, consider it a blessing, because your body--in all its wisdom--is helping you create a life that fits you best.

If you listen, your body's signals will enlighten you about whom to hang out with, what to eat, where to go on vacation, and how to make a profitable and fun living.

Try it...then let me know how wise your body is.  


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When Clients Hate Their Coach...

3/11/2017

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"Seek a coach who scares you a little. Encounters with great coaches tend to be filled with feelings of respect, admiration, and, often, a shiver of fear. This is a good sign." ~ Dan Coyle 

I'm not out to scare my clients, but I do understand how I sometimes instill fear in them.  

I often require the people who work with me to do or say things that scare the crap out of them. They trust me enough to do it, while they simultaneously hate me for nudging them out of their comfortable lives to do something daring.

It brings up all of their discomfort. All of their insecurities. All of their blocks about why they couldn't do the daring thing before I became their coach.

I get it.

But in order to grow beyond where they are now, they have to endure feeling uncomfortable while leaping into an unknown future.

It's why so many people refuse to do it. It brings up so much discomfort that some people prefer walking back into their comfortable and predictable lives--the same lives that sent them into coaching with me in the first place.

Staying safe is often preferable to feeling freaked out. Even if that safety means they don't get to have their dream lives, dream marriage, or dream job.

They sell themselves short. But that's how much they allow their fear to dominate their lives.

If they let it.

The only way to circumvent that fear is to just do it, anyway. Action is the antidote to fear.

I used to be terrified of public speaking, even though I also felt a giddy high while behind any podium. But for some unknown reason, my body hated it. I shook. My voice cracked and stuttered. My knees trembled.

How could I want to be a public speaker so badly when I could barely stand in front of a group without also wanting to vomit or flee?

I tried again and again, but finally felt too afraid to continue. I became afraid of my fear: afraid of looking, acting and sounding stupid by trembling or stuttering. So I held myself back, and kept the public speaker in me "safe" by rarely introducing her.

I can't tell you when it changed, but one day a few years ago, I'd had enough of my fear. I suddenly realized that I didn't care if my body went into hysterics. I didn't care if I threw up. I didn't care if I fainted. I had a story to tell and damn it, I was going to tell it!

And guess what happened?

The fear disappeared.

I'm not joking when I say it disappeared that moment. So it was never public speaking that caused the fear in the first place; it was my fear of embarrassment of how my body would react that made me shut-down.

Once I no longer cared about looking foolish, my fear of humiliation had no impact on me anymore. It could no longer scare me because I was no longer fretting about it or anticipating its arrival.

What about you?

Are you willing to face your fear and do that one scary thing, anyway?

Feel your anxiety? Do it anyway.

Hear your voice trembling? Say it anyway.

Feel your heart beating wildly? Face it anyway.

Just Do It! as Nike proclaims, and you'll find peace and joy and celebration waiting on the other side. 

Try it.

You may even begin to love it.  


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    Author

    After being raised in the mid-west, I migrated south for high school (with a year in Brazil) and college, and ventured west for a long marriage (and later, divorce)...and eventually landed in the northwest--my real home. Sigh. 

    I am a Teacher, Healer, Single Mother, Nurse, Coach, Columnist, Artist, Author, Traveler, Motivator...eager to share myself with you. 

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