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Katie Kramer, RN/Life Coach/Author
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Being Involved With An Addict Isn't Always Obvious...

1/17/2015

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A friend of mine sent me the article, 10 Signs You May Be Involved With a Sex Addict, By a Sex Addict and it intrigued me because—although I was married to a sex addict for ten years—the signs Brian Whitney outlines were not present in my home. That doesn't mean Brian isn't telling the truth—it only means that one can be involved with a sex addict without these tell-tale symptoms. I know, because it happened to me...

I wish some of the symptoms outlined below were obvious in my home. Perhaps that would've forced me to face reality earlier, or get help sooner. I had an idea that something was wrong, but I never could have articulated what that problem was—certainly not an addiction, and absolutely not a sex addiction. That never crossed my mind, not once, because that was a subject found only in the stories of the TV Soaps.

What I now know is that my intuition was the most pervasive symptom that a larger problem was looming in our marriage. Had I listened more closely, or investigated more thoroughly, I may have stumbled across his addiction. It was only in hindsight that all of the clues unfolded, and only when I looked backward that I recognized some symptoms.

My responses to Brian's list, based on my own experience:

  • He lies all the time. I was not aware of this until my husband's 'other life' was disclosed ten years after we were married. My husband was evasive during arguments, but I never would've suspected that he was lying to me daily.
  • He cheats on you. I had no idea he had been seeking out affairs for the length of our marriage. I often  referred to him a 'puppy dog' who seemed to need me around for comfort, for company, for approval. I often said that if anyone were to have an affair in our marriage, it would be me because he was so loyal...and I knew how incapable I was of cheating. I trusted him implicitly.
  • He has had no long-term stable relationships. This was one of the reasons I fell in love with my husband. I knew he'd been in long-term relationships, which meant he probably wasn't afraid of commitment.
  • He masturbates all the time, even after sex. I have no idea. I never witnessed this, nor did I suspect it.     Our sex life was not unusual, kinky, or weird. We were an average couple with a good sex life. Eventually, we were tired parents of 3 babies under five years old, also with a normal sex life. Nothing seemed abnormal.
  • He's into some kinky stuff sexually. Nope. Never was. He was loving and attentive during lovemaking, and  when I refused his advances, he never got upset, nor did he make me feel guilty. He did paw at my breasts  and reach for my crotch when the timing wasn't the greatest, and at times I would lash out in frustration that I was not to be used as a possession, but this was not a daily thing. Weren't all husbands sometimes like this?
  • He is secretive about his phone and computer use. Well, considering his story came out in 1996, cell        phones were hardly popular yet. We shared a phone as big as a shoe but it was usually in my possession. He did not seem secretive about much, but yes, there were a few times I'd wake up in the wee hours of the night and storm into the living room, wondering where the hell he was. He would sheepishly and slowly shut down his computer, but I was never suspicious that he was hiding anything. It was only in retrospect that I realized what he was probably up to.
  • He is extremely confident and controlling sexually. Never controlling. And while I wouldn't call him           confident sexually, he was not timid or shy, either. He was attentive, loving, and yes, sometimes               emotionally absent, but I never suspected a huge, glaring, sexual problem. How could I when sex             addiction was not even on my radar?
  • He flirts all the time. Nope. Never, at least not in my company. He was a bit shy and quiet while in a          crowd. He was confident in his group of like-minded colleagues, so he was funny and engaging, but          never, ever flirtatious. If anything, he'd see me from across the room and give me 'that' look that said      he wanted me (what wife doesn't love that?). I knew he loved me.
  • When you call him on any of his shit, he manipulates you and turns things around. He hated                     confrontation, he was passive-aggressive, and he needed to be right, so yes, maybe he was                  manipulative because he wanted out of our arguments as soon as possible. But I just thought our              marital “dance” was a typical one for a couple in the middle of a fight. I also passed off his “fighting       issues” as a personal quirk, perhaps a “guy thing” used to avoid any difficult conversation.
        I now know that the nature of sex addiction is about an extreme avoidance of anything resembling                     intimacy because that was often compromised in the young addict's life. He escapes into fantasy or                           acts-out in response to any hint of vulnerability. Avoiding reality feeds the addiction.
  • You think he might be a sex addict. I had no idea what that was in 1996. Had anyone suggested it, I          would've vehemently denied there was a sexual issue. Sex addiction was reserved for the episodes of       General Hospital, not my 'normal' household.

Because the symptoms are not always obvious, my advice to those who feeeeel that something is off-kilter or odd or weird—should listen. Always listen to that small, quiet voice that is trying to get your attention.

I spent many days over several years, feeling terrible for wishing that my husband would get killed in a car accident. I knew something was not right with us, but because nothing in my world suggested he was in the middle of raging addiction, I just assumed I was a horrible wife who was never appreciative enough.

But I also felt that it was easier to wish him dead and begin anew, than to try again and again and again to decipher what the hell was wrong in our relationship. I eventually became exhausted, then despondent, then I stopped caring altogether.

Addictions create damage in relationships, jobs, finances, and/or health issues—usually far beyond anyone's control. If it could happen to me—a college-educated, world-traveling, “normal” nurse and mother of three, it could happen to anyone.

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Let Freedom Ring...in the New Year 

1/4/2015

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I know it the instant it happens. I feel it.

It's like all of my synapses align themselves up at exactly the right moment, intent on bringing me relief. My shoulders soften, my stomach loosens its grip, and I know—from that moment forward—that I will never be the same.

It happened just the other day when I was stewing (still) about having to return to a profession that I thought I had already left behind. I've been in conflict about this for years, trying to leave my 24-year career in nursing for something that feels more satisfying—like the coaching gig I'm in the middle of nurturing. I absolutely detested the thought of having to return to nursing to supplement my on-going venture. To do so felt like going backwards, like I had failed.

But then, after many months and sleepless nights, a new idea emerged from out of nowhere.

What if I could feel thankful for the opportunities nursing has afforded me over the years, and then use my expertise as a path toward supporting my new-found goal, instead of feeling like I'm ditching it?

Huh.

In that single, crisp moment of clarity, I felt my innards go limp, and poof! The sweet freedom of letting go had graced me with its presence. It only took a change in perception, a re-focus in thought, that was prompted by something other than me.

I didn't have to do anything.

When I finally realized that my ex-husband was not going to be able to stay in our family, I let go, and an internal shift occurred, allowing me to see our situation for what it was, not for what I needed it to be. It allowed me to leave a destructive marriage and move on. Not in anger or bitterness, but in peace and love, because I knew, just knew, that there was nothing left for me to try to fix in our marriage. It was simply un-fixable—at least for that moment of crystal clear clarity.

There have been people and circumstances I swore I would never be able to release. I have felt the grip of uncertainty and fear holding on tightly to whatever was the object of my conflict. I couldn't will myself to let go (believe me, I've tried...many, many times), but as if it floated down from the skies on a magical cloud, a new thought or idea or epiphany would appear...

And poof!

Freedom.

After months and/or years of personal angst, all was gone, forever changed.

What are you willing to release? Let go of your expectations of what your relationship should look like. Release the control for how you want your situation to look or your loved one to behave. Let yourself and others off the hook, and your longing for something different will disappear.

Then feeeeeel yourself click into a new place. Of peace. Of love. Of freedom.

The situation does not even have to change for an internal shift to happen. My ex-husband still left our home; I still lost people I loved; my work life may look different than what I'd planned for.

But true freedom also brings acceptance and healing. By letting go, never again have I been affected by the agony of my ex-husband's infidelities, or the fall-out from my history of sex abuse, or the sting of lost love. I'm no longer resentful about possibly working a side gig, because I've let it all go (Cue the music!).

Once I loosened my grip on needing to keep or change someone/something, I unhooked, let go, and felt the sweet release of freedom. Every. Single. Time.

As we embark upon this new year, whom or what are you willing to let go of?
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    Author

    After being raised in the mid-west, I migrated south for high school (with a year in Brazil) and college, and ventured west for a long marriage (and later, divorce)...and eventually landed in the northwest--my real home. Sigh. 

    I am a Teacher, Healer, Single Mother, Nurse, Coach, Columnist, Artist, Author, Traveler, Motivator...eager to share myself with you. 

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