In addition to writing this blog, I also write a newsletter for my life coaching business and I just came across this from a few months ago. I like it so much, it's worth sharing again...

"Things everyone needs to come to terms with: 

• No response is a response.
• If they wanted to, they would.
• Timing will not always be in your favor.
• Not everyone has the same heart as you." ~ FB post 

Do you struggle with this, the way I do? 

Having cancer has done a number on my relationships, dismantling ones I thought were strong, while creating new ones from places I'd never thought to look . 

But, still...

Despite the big tribe that came out in droves while I was enduring cancer, I continue to lament on the few who disappeared. 

I stew. I feel hurt. And angry. 

But as a life coach, I know that when I'm disappointed by others' actions, I am also resisting reality by expecting them to act as I would. 

Because, of course, that's a ridiculous no-no. 

And fighting against reality is how dis-ease is able to take hold and cause diseases in our bodies. 

Like cancer. 

I cannot afford to hang onto the sadness I feel about the people who have walked out of my life. People I have loved. 

As the quote above reminds me, not everyone has the same heart as I do. But here's where you lose me, because I know my friends' hearts. 

At least I thought I did. 

I wouldn't have been friends with them if they had traits that weren't conducive to building strong friendships. 

And they still left. 

Which boggles my mind, and leaves my heart aching. I don't know how to act, mostly because I don't understand. 

"Why would a friend disappear after I was diagnosed with cancer?" 

It just doesn't make sense to me, because I cannot imagine retreating if they had disclosed the same diagnosis to me.  

But in the grand scheme of having had cancer and living to write and talk about it only a year later, losing a few friends is, in comparison, minuscule. 

Unless it's not. 

Because I lost two close friends. Friends I trusted and loved. Friends who had been around for while. Friends who I cherished and would do almost anything for. 

But can I even call them "close friends"? They both disappeared without warning or explanation soon after cancer came on the scene. 

I can't change what has already happened, so what's the opposite of fighting against reality or stewing in sadness and confusion? 

Acceptance. 

I have no idea why they chose to retreat, nor do I have the right to judge them because I feel hurt by their absence. 
I just have to feel the feelings that have been left in the wake of their disappearance. 

And sometimes that doesn't feel like enough. 

My immature-self wants to retaliate and deem them "bad" friends. But my wise-self knows that I just have to feel the hurt and disappointment and sadness and pain, especially when I don't want to. 

Because feeling the pain is how we heal. 

It's not the words we use to attack others, or the mantras we recite to feel better, or the confrontations we want to have with the people who have hurt us that makes the hurt go away. 

It's feeling that leads to healing. 

I have to mourn losing friends who I thought were on my team for the long haul. Discovering that they weren't is painful, but I don't get to hurt them in return. 

The above quote is also a good reminder, a kind of note-to-self, that if they wanted to hang out with me throughout my year of cancer, then they would have. 

And when I try to stay in touch with them, their lack of a response is a response. 

So if you're like me, and you're struggling with the pain of others' hurtful or confusing actions, remember that when the troubling feelings begin to come so quickly that you may feel like you're drowning, you just have to remember to breathe.

Then feel all the feels.

Let go. 

And Forgive. 

Then move on. 

Even when it feels hard. 

Or impossible. 

Or it's the last thing you want to do.

Do it for you, the way I have to do it for myself, too.  

Because you and I deserve people in our lives who choose to show up when we need them most. 

It has also helped to consider that maybe God has dismantled a few relationships in order to make room for new ones that are meant to help me become the best version of myself. 

I like that.  

On November 16th, 2018, I was done with cancer. After 6 cycles of chemotherapy over four months, and 20 radiation treatments in four weeks, it was abruptly over, without fanfare.

After all the stress, worry, time off from work, energy-zapping treatments, tears, sadness, paranoia, and medications, it all just...ended. 

I returned to my normal work schedule, my hair began growing back, I no longer took daily medications, and by Christmas-time, it was hard to imagine that cancer had been a part of my life. 

One year later, it is still a very far-away experience, as though it happened decades ago (or not at all). 

By May of this year, my buzz cut no longer signaled having had cancer, but resembled a cute, stylish pixie cut (see below). And just a few weeks ago, I had my THIRD haircut! 

See how much can change in a year? 

Just a few days ago, I had my three-month check-up, which predictably consists of blood work and chatting with my oncologist. I've had a few annoying "twinges" in my body lately, which always sets me on edge about what could be happening deep within my tissues, but all continues to be well. My LDH remains within normal range and the twinges are just my body's way of making sure that all is working and healthy. 

I feel a huge responsibility to pass on the healing that I have lived, so I've been speaking about cancer for the past several months, both at the Cancer Center and within my tribe of friends, family, and clients. I share how I believe cancer infiltrated my life, and how I believe we can all return to good health--even after cancer.

​It's ironic, because while I was undergoing cancer treatments, I never felt--nor did I think of myself--as "ill". I've been so healthy all of my life that I couldn't take it in that cancer was actually an illness that was invading my body.

Perhaps that attitude was partly what contributed to my healing, but I still consider myself a very healthy 56-year-old woman...who happened to have had cancer. 

My gratitude for continued health and happiness one year later runs deep, but today, I am at a loss for words. 

I just know that everything can change in a year, so if you find yourself in a scary or uncertain place, remember this:  

"Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it is the middle that counts the most. You need to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. It always does." ~ Hope Floats

​"It's not about trying to change the world to give yourself a better life. It's about trying to change your life to give the world a better you." ~ Emma Grace

Several years ago I began writing a newsletter called "Grati-Tuesday" and it has since gained a popular and steady following.

It had become obvious through my own life and clients' lives that being grateful for everything--things we deem good, bad, or awful--changes not only our lives, but US. 

So I wanted to share the magic of that with my readers. 

I believe daily gratitude has reshaped the way I see "problems" and how I react to them, even when those challenges are seemingly "tragic."

But in order to be grateful, you need to know where you are. 

Are you stuck in the middle of an "awful event," one in which you curse and wish your way out of? Or do you understand that this event is meant as a lesson for you, to help you become all that you're meant to be? 

In 1996 when my life exploded, I only knew to crumble as everything I thought I'd known about myself and my marriage imploded, leaving me wide open and raw. 

My immediate reaction was to grieve--loudly and often--and ultimately, it's what I believe started the cascade toward healing my shattered heart. 

And it was the best thing that could've happened to me. 

I purged emotions that I'd been stuffing for years, possibly decades, and my world began to open up. Gratitude for my new-found hope about my life, and excitement about a new future, quickly followed. 

Eventually, I was even grateful for the "tragedy" of betrayal. 

It wasn't just a temporary healing, either. It was a deep-down, in-my-bones-kind-of-healing that has lasted decades. 

I'd healed the betrayal fully, deeply, and permanently. 

But let me take this story one step further, to illustrate my point...

In 2003, I was newly in love and moved my 3 pre-teens cross-country to be with a new man. But when the relationship began to take a nose-dive, I did not react with my typical Zen-self. 

Instead, I fought the signs that told me something was not right. I did not give-in, cave, or face our impending break-up head-on. 

I fought it.

And because I fought with anger, blaming, and excuses about my partner's behaviors, I wasn't able to start the trajectory toward healing, either. 

It was a long, challenging few years before I came up for air and was myself again because I had not been willing to be grateful for the lesson, nor was I willing to accept that I had invited addiction into my life again. 

Eventually I faced what needed to be dealt with and I healed, but remnants of that battle still linger. 

Fast-forward to May of 2018 when Cancer was diagnosed. 

Because I had already been steeped in self-help and healing for decades, I was able to face this new challenge head-on. I was willing to do whatever it took to heal. 

And I believe that practicing gratitude in the face of a devastating diagnosis was the primary reason cancer took a hike. 

I didn't fight it. I didn't look the other way. I wasn't the least bit angry about having been diagnosed with a potentially-fatal illness. 

I accepted the diagnosis, then did what needed to be done to come out of the experience the victor. 

I was grateful to be alive; grateful to continue working; grateful that I had a huge tribe supporting me. 

I even became grateful for cancer since it has reset my life on a new course. 

You see, practicing gratitude changes us. 

It changes the way we look at life, and how we respond to people, challenges, and "problems." 

It changes how we see ourselves in our big, bountiful lives. 

Gratitude for what we already have in front of us draws more of what we want to us: love, peace, money, magic. 

I believe I healed cancer by being grateful for its presence, just like I believe I was able to heal a deep, dark betrayal because I leaned into the lesson it was meant to instill.

Much like a car that has to drive through a heavy and dark storm to travel the highway toward its destination, we have to be willing to lean in and forge ahead when life feels unpleasant. 

Be grateful for the presence of an event...even when you don't like it or understand it. 

Be grateful for the lesson...even when you can't see it. 

Be grateful for the potential for growth...especially when you're feeling uncomfortable.

Practicing gratitude feels even more seductive when comparing my three stories. When I wasn't grateful for the event in 2004, and failed to invite the lesson into my life, it took double (triple?) the time for me to heal. 

See how it works? 

So now it's your turn. 

I invite you to share a story in your life where simply being grateful healed you, changed you, stirred you, or unhinged you. 

It's in the stories we share with each other that allows more healing to take place. 

We learn that we are not alone, we often hear just what needs to be heard... 

And it's always at the right time. 

After almost 16 months since my cancer diagnosis, and almost one year of being cancer-free, I am intrigued by the changes that cancer has brought into my life. And I'm not talking about the obvious changes, but the subtle, sometimes silly ways in which cancer has changed me. 

The first change is a surprising one: my hair. 

It began growing back before chemotherapy was over last September, but by Christmas, it was still only peach-fuzz. I remember dragging my hand across my head often, feeling the soft stubble of hair between my fingers. When spring rolled around, it wasn't much longer. In fact, my passport picture was taken in late May and my hair was still very, very short. 

But within a month, my hair had suddenly sprouted! It was almost back to my original length by my birthday in early July and I just had my second haircut in about 5 weeks. 

Not only was it quickly growing, but the texture was thick and curly, two adjectives that I've never attributed to my fine, baby-soft, stick-straight hair that I'd had for 55 years. I actually like this new sassy do that I now part on the opposite side of my head.

And I've often wondered why this is. I've been parting my hair on the same side for several decades; then it grows back in and I automatically began to part it on the other side. Weird. 

Another change: Because so much poison had been infused into my body over several months--causing my hair to fall out and my skin to change--and because I wasn't sure what had contributed to getting cancer, I became vigilant about what I put into my body.

I started purchasing Reverse Osmosis water on the recommendation of a friend who'd had the same cancer and knew that the water in our neighborhood was not healthy for immunocompromised people. Then I started buying Organic foods, focusing on more fruits and vegetables. I've since cut out most sugar and have gone gluten and dairy-free. 

I also started using essential oils on, in, and around my body, which I have continued to use. I diffuse them nightly at my bedside, I drink them in my daily cup of tea, and while my tumors were being disintegrated by chemo, I was faithfully applying Frankincense to my chest since it has been touted to be a good tumor-fighter. 

I also changed my soaps, lotions, shampoos, and make-up to natural products, though the latter has been a bit more challenging since I am breaking out like a hormonal teenager with the use of clean products. Perhaps I'm still detoxing and it's coming out of my skin. 

Alternative treatments: I had already been getting massages every other week, so I added weekly acupuncture once cancer came on the scene. The reason was two-fold: I wanted my body to have the best chance possible to heal itself, and I was in quite a bit of pain after the first rounds of chemo. Acupuncture was an immediate antidote that I continued for the length of treatment, and even when I was no longer in pain, I believe the consistency of treatments helped my body return to homeostasis where it was better able to heal. 

Weight: After the first chemo treatment, I'd lost 7# when the largest of the dozen tumors was eradicated right away, but with my overzealous eating habits, I had gained that back fairly quickly during chemo while steroids were a part of the regimen. However, once treatments were over and I got more fastidious about my intake, I lost 9# fairly quickly. 

Finances: Ironically, since cancer I have become more financially responsible for my future. One would think that butting up against a possible death sentence would make me want to run away to Tahiti, not caring about a retirement that may never come, but I've actually tightened up my purse strings.

You may have read that my cancer symptoms began while I was sitting at my lawyer's office while I was updating my Will last year, so I have often joked that people should not bother with such trivial plans since they can be bad luck! 

But if I am to live a long and healthy life, I also want to have a bank balance that supports that.

So I have set up more long-term accounts to counteract the years when I was more reckless with my money. And while I am usually prone to changing jobs every few years (because as a Nurse, I can!), I am feeling more content to stay where a predictable paycheck and health insurance can be counted on. 

I've also become more generous with my cash. As a single-parent for a few decades, I am a fairly decent money manager but I've also been very frugal in my daily spending habits.

Not anymore.

So many people shared their wealth to help me through a tough financial situation so I'm happy to pay the favor forward. After all, it was a great lesson in trusting that I am being taken care of--no matter what my situation looks like--and witnessing how generous others were when I was in need was not only heart-warming, but mind-blowing. 

How could I ignore others' as they face their own hardships? 

People and things: I am less capable of putting up with bullshit, though I'm also more willing to let things and people go when I smell bullshit. Experiencing the pain of two of my closest friends walking away this past year contributed to this, I'm sure. I just don't have the energy to wonder why people do or say certain things, especially if they've been hurtful.

On this memorable day of September 11th, I am reflecting about how life can be taken in one single moment, or altered with one single diagnosis. 

I do not take this lightly, but I am also thankful for the simple pleasures that cancer has restored in me: the choice of good food, healthy habits, meaningful relationships, and a financial plan for my future. 

Oh, and curly hair. ​

I've known about this appointment for three months.

My last post-cancer check-up on May 14th revealed that my LDH level was back to normal at 199, and a follow-up appointment was made for today's CT scan with labs.

I was told that for the first two years post-cancer, I will be monitored every three months, either by a scan of some sort (PET or CT) every 6 months with labs, then with labs and an office visit during the in-between appointments. When I hit year three, monitoring will be cut back to every 6 months, then yearly at the five-year mark. 

Essentially, I will be closely monitored until I hit the "cure zone" of five years, and I've been aware of this all along.

But when faced with the reality of what it all means, it's a different story.

Usually an emotional one. 

I arrived early for labs this morning, then had a CT scan with contrast done.

Yes, I drank the Kool-aid.

But flavored with a raspberry twist, the radioactive poison actually went down easily. I sipped on my 32-ounce drink for an hour (ample time for it to coat my innards) before I was taken back to the scanner. 

I've had a few of these already, and not all of them have been for cancer. It was quick and easy, just as expected. When the technician asked when I would be having my follow-up with my oncologist, I told him "Two o'clock today." 

"No pressure," he said. Something in his voice caught me off-guard. Was it sarcasm? Or a hint of knowing how that appointment would turn out? I couldn't grasp what I'd intuited, but it felt just a smidge off-kilter. 

But I've learned not give into my own paranoia so I went about my day running errands until my scheduled appointment. Soon after I returned to the Cancer Care Center, I was taken much earlier than my alotted time. It pays to arrive early.

When I stepped onto the scale, I was proud to report that my 9-pound weight loss had been intentional. Health professionals become a bit skiddish when they see a weight loss with cancer patients as it's often one of the first signs of there being a problem, but not this time. 

In fact, as a result of cancer, I've tweaked quite a few habits and one of them is my food. I have significantly decreased my sugar intake, switched to gluten-free breads, and cut out coffee and dairy. In just a few months, the pounds melted off of me, even after cheating during my week-long eating binge on a cruise last month. Once I was back on dry land, I resumed my previous eating habits and the 4 pounds I'd gained were gone within a few days. 

Easy peasy. 

After (happily) weighing in, I was taken back to a room where my vital signs registered as normal, but I was already beginning to tear up. Not real tears, like I wasn't ready to sob, but I had to keep wiping my eyes at the corners. 

As usual, I had also walked into that room with a list of questions:

1. Why was a CT done instead of just labs? (Because a scan every 3 months is protocol with my type of cancer and there were a few areas in my body that were "questionable" on my PET scan in February, so this CT was done to monitor those areas); 
2. Why does the CT cover my neck to mid-thigh but not my head? (Because lymphoma normally doesn't metastasize to the brain); And
3. What if...? What happens next if today's information goes south? 

While I was reading over my questions, the PA walked in, breathless, like she'd just ran from upstairs. "I have only part of your CT, so we're still waiting on the other half, but your labs are all normal." 

I wiped the corners of my eyes as I shifted in my seat. Then I got down to business. After all, I am not just a patient, but a Nurse. 

"My LDH level?" 

"178."

Wow, I mused to myself as I kept my eyes on my note pad. That's so much better than 199 in May!

"And the upper half of the CT--your neck--is clear. All clear."

That answered my question about the nagging aches I feel every so often in my neck. It's like waking up with a stitch after a deep sleep; each time I turn my head left, the twinge stops me from rotating all the way around so instead, I often have to rotate my whole upper body. 

My massage therapist has been working on these twinges since long before I finished my treatments and although they've improved, they haven't gone away entirely. I've been passing them off as "radiation aftershocks" and the PA agreed that I could still be experiencing some minor issues post-chemo and radiation. 

No biggie. I've never had to medicate myself for them and I've become used to the aches. As long as it's not cancer returning, I'm good. 

Then she left again in pursuit of the other half of my scan, and returned a few minutes later. 

"Yep, all clear!" she sang as she entered the room. "The areas we were concerned with earlier have improved, too."

I looked down at my pad of paper and casually crossed off "What if...?"

Then I reached for another Kleenex. 

She rambled on about something, but I didn't hear much. I hadn't realized until that moment that I went into my appointment feeling a little bit more than worried. I had been keeping a tally of symptoms that have been feeling out of the norm for three months, worried that it may be a sign of cancer returning. Even though I don't normally think about cancer, a slight variation of some bodily function can jerk me back into "uh-oh." 

It wasn't until I heard the LDH level that my shoulders relaxed, it wasn't until she said "all is clear" that I breathed normally again, and it wasn't until I was walking out to my car that I realized how much I base my life off of these appointments. 

I have been planning a trip to the southwest for this Fall, but I wasn't willing to book a flight until I knew this scan was clear. If the scan was not in my favor, I had already mapped out in my head what my next steps would be--both at work and on the home-front. 

It's like I have a "Yes, Cancer" or "No, Cancer" plan quietly hanging out in the back of my thoughts for when I may need to retrieve either. 

I had cancer last year, a statement that still doesn't make sense, but I am healthy today--very healthy. A friend of mine died of breast cancer the day after my birthday last month, and a gentleman-friend has developed Multiple Myeloma seven years after having leukemia. Two other friends have brain tumors, another has prostate cancer, and one of my favorite residents is dying on Hospice. 

Cancer is all around me, so it is not lost on me how blessed I am that I am well. 

But it doesn't mean that I am beyond the trauma of having had cancer.

I imagine that that worry may quietly hang out in the back-drop of my life, maybe forever. 

I just don't plan on allowing it to stop me from enjoying every last minute of the days I get to be on this planet. 

A friend of mine died a week ago today. 

She had been diagnosed with breast cancer two summers ago, but I'd had no idea because we mostly knew each other only through our businesses.  

I later learned that she had heavily researched healthy treatment options and ended up choosing a cancer center in another state. She stayed there for three months in an attempt to heal using alternative methods.

She returned to town just a few weeks before my diagnosis, so as I was enduring my own bout with cancer last summer, she offered helpful tips and shared her own story of hope. 

She resumed working two jobs, running 2 on-line businesses, making jewelry, and was in the beginning stages of remodeling an old school bus to live in as her own Tiny House. 

She felt healthy and looked vibrant during last summer and fall. 

Then boom!

As winter turned to spring, she casually mentioned on Facebook that she had cracked a rib while working on her bus renovation. 

Several weeks later, I was scrolling through my news feed when I noticed a GoFundMe account with her picture attached. 

Stunned, I messaged her. Is it true? Is the cancer back??

Yes, it was. 

In fact, cancer was the reason for the cracked rib, and now it was taking up space all over her body. 

My heart sank. 

And it was hitting waaaay too close to home. 

Her BFF set up a round-the-clock bedside vigil to keep her company, so I began to visit her. I was initially shocked to see how much weight she had lost, but she was still able to accompany me downstairs where we talked about her life in this new stage of cancer metastasis. 

That was in mid-June. 

I just didn't believe at that time that cancer was most likely going to claim her life. She seemed hopeful about her next healing option, and it seemed so attainable. 

And despite her condition, she still looked and sounded so...alive. 

Several days went by before I visited her again, and this time she was bed-ridden, but she was still bright and cheery as I walked into the room. 

Over the next hour, it was also apparent that she struggled a bit finding the right words to get her point across.

Sometimes it was even hilarious. Or poignant. Her friend shared with me that one day she told the people in her room, "There is plenty of plenty." 

I was still hopeful that her dire outcome was going to turn itself around. 

Upon my return from a week-long vacation at the end of June, I immediately went to see her. 

She recognized me instantly, but this time she was definitely more sleepy. I mostly chatted with another friend who had shown up at the same time, then kissed her g'bye, confident I'd see her again. 

Two days later, she was on my mind throughout the day and I thought about going by to see her again, but I didn't.

I felt strangely happy, even giddy, for most of that day. 

As I ran my errands, she was not far from my thoughts, which made me feel enormously grateful for the life I was living. 

I was grateful for the boring errands I had to run; the ability to drive on my own and pay for groceries and clothes without a financial struggle; grateful for the sunshine, and my crazy work hours, and my beautiful home with a stunning water view. 

I felt giddy in love. With LIFE. 

Because it was so damn obvious that my friend was stuck in bed with few options. She was able to swallow to stay hydrated, listen to soothing music, and speak a few sentences before returning to sleep. 

But despite those limitations, she was still smiling, talking, and giggling at her morphine-induced language. 

At least that's the way I had remembered her. 

The next morning, I received a text that my friend had passed away peacefully, and without pain, at 11:07 the previous night. 

Sigh. 

Lyn's passing reminds me that I can live my life feeling giddy and in love with what I have, even in the mundane, boring tasks and moments. 

I choose life. I choose happiness. I choose fun. I choose contentment in the small moments. I choose bliss. 

​I choose plenty of plenty. 

I hope you do, too, because there really is no guarantee for tomorrow. 

My bout with cancer showed me that we are all closer to death than we realize, and I believe it's our responsibility to live every moment cherishing our gift of life. 

So as I mourn the loss of a vibrant friend who passed much too early, I have just one question for you: 

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" ~ Mary Oliver

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud...I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift." ~ Shauna Niequist, author of Cold Tangerines

May 8th marked one year since my diagnosis of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I can hardly believe it.

The year has sped by so quickly that it's hard to imagine I had cancer for most of 2018. 

In fact, I was showing pictures of my bald head to family recently and the sight of myself without hair caught my breath. 

Did that really happen? 

You've all been privy to how cancer showed up one afternoon and kept me hostage for months on end. It was real. It was scary. It was heavy. 

And yet, the not-so-easy details are a distant memory to me now. Somehow, in a quick blink, it is all over and I couldn't feel better. 

All that's left is the love that kept me afloat.

YOUR love. 

The above quote makes me laugh out loud. I hope that in the wake of my diagnosis, I have given God a daily belly laugh, glad for giving me the gift of my new life.

Because I so love the gift. And I do not take it lightly. 

Nor do I take my relationships lightly, and I am in awe of all of you who showed up. 

I did not understand how big a tribe I actually had, until you all showed me, through cancer, that my tribe was more steadfast and resilient than I ever knew, and that my place within that tribe is secure.

I have never before experienced such an outpouring of pure love. 

So here, in my humble and grateful way, I want to share my warriors with the world. Single-handedly, you have each contributed some piece of yourself to make sure I was not alone.

It all began when I shared my news with my boss, Christina, and with tears in her eyes, she leaned across her desk, pointed her finger at me, and said some of the wisest words I'll ever hear: “Don't do this alone.”

Fortunately, I took her advice and gathered my people.

Then one-by-one, you all began to show up.

A hair-shaving party was quickly organized where Kim sat at the front of the line, eager to be the first to shave her head with me and for me. She volunteered her cafe and supplied snacks and goodies for the party-goers, while Laurie gave her time, free of charge, to shave everyone's heads; Tara and her daughter, Savannah, along with Ty, Travis, Ian, Brad, Missy, Maryann, and Audrey were among the 13 who shaved their heads in solidarity on a day when I didn't feel very brave. 

Maryann spear-headed a Team Katie campaign and handed out bracelets to many in town who proudly wore them upon my return from my biopsy surgery. She also spent many of her mornings (after working the night shift) with me at the Chemo Bar, driving me there and to other appointments when I needed an escort. She also spent many Friday evenings cooking dinner for me in my kitchen. 

My boss allowed me to miss work as I needed to (9+ weeks!) and welcomed me back each time, fully trusting me that I would catch up on my nursing duties. She also delivered balloons, pie, and presents when I spent my 55th birthday on the couch.

Kathy sent meals and love-wrapped gifts home with me several days a week, for several months, and graciously donated to my GoFundMe; Carmen brought fruits and vegetables to my home when I was needing sustenance the first week of chemo, and prayed over me and with me as I healed. She also donated PTO and money to my fund.

Amanda and James made food to order (potatoes!) anytime I called with a craving and made sure food was delivered to my home each day, and Amanda and Jessica brought said meals to me for lunch almost daily and kept me company while I was on the couch recuperating; James and Tara donated their valuable PTO so that I could receive a decent paycheck; Cat took me to acupuncture and listened to me when my fears at work escalated; Dana made a delicious coconut cream pie that Christina delivered on my birthday; Cricket lovingly shared her own experience so that I knew what to expect with mine; Michelle often shared a wise-crack about how I could dress up my baldness; Lori welcomed me back with a big hug, saying, “It hasn't been the same without you.” And Tony showed us all that difficult news can be met with courage and grace.

During my first week of chemo, Robert lovingly wrapped me in his embrace and allowed me to feel the scariness of my new life; Gem performed Reiki on my body when cancer wracked it with pain; Kim kept a jar on her cafe counter for donations and brought me meals and popsicles with only a moment's notice; Stephanie volunteered to accompany me to my first surgery before I thought to ask anyone; and Tami walked "Relay for Life" last June in my name, the same event that I will be attending this year. 

Money began showing up in large sums, generously donated by friends and family (sometimes, strangers) around the globe: My sister, Diane; my brothers Jim and Marty; my mother and father-in-law, Fred and Marcella; my brother-in-law, Steve and his partner, Steve; Omar; Missy; my cousins Katie and Mike, and Claude and Chris; Roy Colquitt; Deana; Tracy; Jan; Sharon; Linda; Kathy; Lynn; Lisa; Terri; Luwane; Dann; Tiffany; Bobbi; Nancy; Julie; Betsy; Jennifer; Marlene; Walt; Monte; Missy; Zelinda; Robert; Marci; Bev and Kathy; Mary Fran and Tom; and Shelley and Nahum. 

My sister, Robin, sent cards and packages, week after week, from across the country as she traveled; My BFF, Kelleen, sent a Birthday package filled with healing goodies; Eve brought an "Angel" plant to my home quickly after diagnosis and shared a story of lymphoma that gave me hope for the road ahead; Bettina treated me and my daughter to a bountiful breakfast when we dined at the bakery where she works on one of my good days between chemo treatments; Dawn painted a beautiful tribute to me and accompanied me on my entire first day of chemotherapy; Jan brought me coffee and cookie on my first day of chemo and visited a few more times during subsequent treatments, while leaving a huge check tucked into a heartfelt card. 

Ashley gave me a necklace with a life-affirming quote; Adam and Courtney (nephew and niece) wrote heartfelt letters when I was first diagnosed; Ashlee, my niece and single mom of three daughters, donated to my fund; Steve created my GoFundMe account and became the first to donate; Lyn shared her own experience of cancer, while recommending treatment options for a healthier recovery; Lynn knit a hat that included pigtails; Jeanie brought me a hat and an oil-infused water bottle; Tara gifted me an angel statue to add to my collection; Mo gave me a snazzy shirt from her store collection; and Jo, my massage therapist extraordinaire, insisted that I pay less each session for the length of my treatment, then later gifted me an entire session!

To the many others who supported me in spirit, or with food, donations, cards, calls, and gifts, I apologize that I have overlooked you by name. Your kindness and generosity were invaluable. 

Bradley, my son and wing-man, took me to chemo sessions, picked up medications, and stayed home from work to be with me; My son and daughter-in-law, Alex and Myca, kept bringing my grand babies to town so I could see them each week; and my daughter, Audrey, kept me company at the chemo bar and while I was on the couch recovering. 

To my grown children, Alex, Brad and Audrey, and to my grandchildren, Wyatt and Mavis, you are the reason I endured this past year. ​And I would do this year all over again if it means I get to stay on this planet with you for as long as I can. 

I will love you long after my heart stops beating, and I will forever be with you. 

You are all of my reasons for living.

My father died on April 17th, 1991. The day before he turned 68.

My father, a typically productive and active man, had become bed-ridden a month before. Cancer had stricken him eight months earlier and the road to recovery had been long, tedious, and unsuccessful. It was startling to see his transformation from a short and solid man of substance to a willowy and pale cancer patient. He was only 67.

He'd been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, a more aggressive form than mine. But it was 28 years ago, so the course of treatment was significantly less-advanced than the treatment I received just a year ago. 

I visited him in the hospital his final days. I had my four-month-old son in tow and I was due to fly home to New Mexico from South Carolina. Dad had taken a turn for the worse that morning and was rushed to the hospital because we could not control his pain at home. 

I'd gotten up early to get ready before my son woke up for the day, and realized that Dad had been up all night in pain. His stoicism masked his agony, but I saw it in his eyes. He was in trouble. I dialed 911 to summon an ambulance and called his primary physician. Dad had been on a mixture of medications that kept his pain at bay, so something new was causing him to writhe in his at-home hospital bed.

I followed the ambulance to the hospital and kept an eye on my watch. I wanted to cancel my flight but Mom insisted that this was just a momentary lapse. New pain medications would be administered and they'd be on their merry way within a few hours. Satisfied, I stuck to my itinerary and waited while Dad got admitted into his own room.

Trying to make small talk in the confines of a sterile, cold environment, I sat on the edge of Dad's bed. He looked small, vulnerable and sad. And I couldn't help him. Nor did I know what to say. 

Minutes dragged on like hours, when I glanced at my watch one last time. It was time to go, so I started to collect my belongings. When it was time for good-bye, I hugged him tightly and felt a longing to stay, but I was due to return in a few weeks for his birthday bash with the rest of the family. 

But as I blew him one last kiss from the door, I knew this would be my final moment with him. I felt nothing but peace so I had decided on the spot that my hunch was probably wrong.

Perhaps I couldn't fathom then that what I knew to be true would come to pass. 

It would be our final conversation. Our last good-bye.

Two weeks later, my then-husband and I were driving along I-25 in New Mexico on a balmy spring day en route to the airport. My father's 68th birthday was the next day and long ago we'd planned a family vacation to see him, probably one last time as he'd been in and out of the hospital for months already. Death was imminent.

Our five-month-old firstborn was strapped into his car seat beside me, fast asleep. I was going through a list in my head about all the details that would need to be taken care of once we hit the airport: tickets in left shoulder bag pocket; put ID tag on collapsible stroller; re-check contents of diaper bag—when I felt a puff of air, like a cloud, interrupt my thoughts, drawing my attention to the scenery outside the window.

I felt paralyzed as it floated deep within my body, then escaped.

My mind chatter froze as I stared out the window, watching the orange and brown landscape speed by. The laundry list was far from my mind when I quietly told my husband, “Dad just died.”

Several hours later we arrived in Chicago, found my sister-in-law, and settled into her van outside the airport. Before closing the sliding door she looked in my direction, her eyes tearing, and said, “I don't know how to tell you this but your Dad just died a few hours ago.”

“I know.”   

These final memories are as fresh today as they were 28 years ago.

Perhaps it is because April is my father's birthday month. Or because my intuition is often insanely accurate, scaring me at times. Or because my spiritual connection to my father has been intensely powerful since his passing. 

April 18th not only belongs to my father as his day of birth; it is also my brother's birthday AND my second son's birthday. He was born two years after dad died so I have often wondered if my son was a gift from his grandfather. 

The month holds so much meaning...and life. It was one year ago, on their birthday, when the sharp ache in my back started, which began the cascade of symptoms that led to my diagnosis.  

While I was under-going treatment last year, I was resigned to the possibility that I could die, too. Not only did the same type of cancer take my father, but it has also taken other friends and family members from my far-reaching tribe.

But just as I knew that I had spent my last moment with my father, and later knew the precise moment he had died, I also knew I'd survive cancer with a long life yet to live. 

For those whose fate did not have the same outcome, this post is for them. But most especially, it is for my father.

He died much too young and far too early. 

But in his final moments he was the epitome of strength, even in his skeletal frame. And his final words summed up a life bravely-lived: "It's all about love, that's it. Just love."

Spoken by a man who had endured a rough childhood with an alcoholic father, served in WWII as an Air Force pilot, and raised eight children while showing us the world from the back of our station wagon. Our father had seen his share of sadness and trauma, but he also imparted a thirst for knowledge and travel with his family. 

So as I remember his day of birth while celebrating my son's, I will carry his message forward.

It is no coincidence that just a few days ago, my 94-year-old mother and my father's wife of 46 years, moved cross-country to begin living just minutes away from me. 

More magic. 

I like to believe that my ability to recognize and experience magic is the legacy he left behind. It's the same magic that keeps my father and me intensely connected across the veil. 

I can even imagine that he made a bargain with God to keep me alive. 

It has been over a month since my last post, mostly because my life has taken off in a full-blown, frantic pace. 

And I do not like it, not one bit. 

When cancer had been shoved to the back-seat of my life just as the holidays were merrily beginning, I returned to work and resumed my former busy schedules. I couldn't wait to be myself again, enjoying the things I used to before cancer narrowed my life down to just a few good days per month. I needed to feel normal again. 

But I dipped back into my full life so suddenly, and so earnestly, that the pace caught me by surprise. And it's even more surprising since I only work four days a week. I have plenty of down-time to enjoy reading, coffee while writing, long walks with friends, lazy weekends with my grand babies, and massages on my days off. 

I have no reason to complain that my life is so frantically busy. 

And yet it is. I feel the pressure building within me day after day, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

I do not believe that this internal stress is from wanting to live life fully in the wake of cancer, fearing that I'll miss out if I don't pack it all in while I'm in remission.

Instead, I sense that the rising volcano is from life whipping me around without my full consent: work is busier than it has been in the four years I've been employed there; medical bills and paperwork seem to be piling up around me more than usual; and the days/weeks/months are moving at a faster clip than normal. 

I'm good at managing the controlled chaos, but I don't like that I have to. 

While I was on the couch post-chemotherapy for four straight months, I was able to take in my life as it happened: I ate, I read, I wrote, I rested, and I visited with friends as much as I could. I chose not to worry about the extraneous paperwork and responsibilities outside of paying bills. I knew my friends were nearby, at the ready to help when necessary, and I trusted that my entire life was being taken care of as I healed.

My life felt narrowed by an outside force I could not control, but it also felt more wide-open than ever before.

I had just a few responsibilities to tend to, and the rest of my days were spent doing/seeing/taking care of what was right in front of me. I did not plan out my days and weeks; they were mostly choreographed by treatments and doctor appointments, so I was forced to stay more present in my life. 

While poison coursed through my body killing cancer cells, I was happily enjoying the enormity of my life that had been hijacked by cancer. 

Go figure. 

It's obvious that the antidote to the restlessness I now feel is to remain present in my life without worrying about my financial state, a recently broken washing machine, or a business I'm not sure how to resurrect. 

So why is that so damn difficult? 

Perhaps it's because my life is so wide open. I have so many opportunities to choose from, and so much I want to do. Just a few months ago, I was confined to only what I was able to do, but as a renewed healthy person, I have the world at my feet. 

Where, oh where, do I begin? 

It feels overwhelming to consider, and yet, the answer is the same as it was while I was propped up on the couch: take life one step at a time, staying present to doing only what's right in front of me. 

​Amen. 
​

"She silently stepped out of the race that she never wanted to be in, found her own lane, and proceeded to win."

On November 16, 2018, my seven-month odyssey with cancer ended. I'd endured six chemotherapy sessions every 21 days, followed by daily radiation treatments over four weeks. Just before Thanksgiving, it was all over.

But that's not the whole story. 

Even though my treatments were finally behind me, the fall-out of facing cancer was not. 

Just seven days after radiation, my back began to ache. When I visited my oncologist a few days later for an-already scheduled appointment, he spent our time making sure that I understood how my body would shift and change in the wake of such an assault over many months. 

That made sense, so I left there feeling more settled. 

Until the next morning when the ache radiated from my back to my sternum, with an obvious line of lesions forming across my torso. Yep, shingles!

But you guys already knew that. I wrote about it (here). 

Days later, I celebrated Thanksgiving with a house full of people who love me. It was difficult to get through the day with dry eyes; my gratitude list was so long, and I was so overwhelmingly thankful...for everything. 

December flew by with Christmas preparations, which included the infamous Christmas tree lighting at the center of our town square. I joined my oldest son with his family and we enjoyed hot chocolate, pictures, Santa arriving by fire truck, visiting with friends, and Christmas music. It was a festive night and I felt healthy and strong. 

But as I walked back to my car, alone, I began to cry. 

"What if this is my last Christmas?" 

The question nagged at me the entire month. 

And the aches in the body kept shifting. The shingles rash disappeared quickly, but the continuing symptoms did not. 

Today, nearly three months later, I still feel like my entire upper back is sunburned. It has a faint tan to it from radiation, but I am not at all sunburned. But whenever someone hugs me, I feel it; when my clothes rub against my back, I feel it; when I stretch, I feel it. It feels like I'd just spent a week on the beach. 

My doc told me that I actually am burned beneath my skin, so stretching my back is a curative exercise. It helps pull at the places that feel taught with scar tissue and soften them so I don't feel so achy. 

I guess it's critical that I return to yoga more consistently, then. 

My right breast, where the shingles rash began, feels numb with intermittent jolts of electric pain stinging my chest, if only for nanoseconds at a time. Since shingles is a virus affecting the nerves, this makes sense, but it's still frustratingly annoying. 

There is a muscle on the inside of each of my scapulas that cramps up, on-and-off throughout the day, usually without cause. Fortunately, the knots never appear at the same time, which is reason to celebrate. 

My sternum aches throughout the day, which gets my attention since it's the same kind of ache that I'd been experiencing, off and on, for months before diagnosis. 

I'm hypersensitive to this area of my body since a muscle cramp started the cascade of obvious symptoms last April, just before diagnosis in early May. I sometimes still sleep with a heating pad, either on my chest or under my back, and every day I wonder, "Does this new ache mean the cancer is returning?" 

I try very hard not to entertain that worry for long. It's both futile and a waste of my time.

But it's there, just the same.  

After a post-chemotherapy and radiation PET scan last week, I met with my oncologist this morning to discuss the results. He also put my mind at ease (again!) regarding the ever-changing, annoying, and perfectly normal aches in my torso. 

Happily, it is all a result of radiation, and my body's attempt to repair itself. 

I am in awe of my body's capacity to restore what was once covered in cancer. 

So it came as little surprise that all of my labs were within normal ranges, my LDH level was still normal, and my PET scan was still clear!

I don't have to return to my oncologist for THREE. WHOLE. MONTHS! 

                                                                     ******************************

On February 23rd of last year, I took my first and last vacation of 2018. Just a few days before getting on a plane to fly over the Pacific, I had what I thought was a nose bleed, but when I looked at the tissue, the color was highlighter yellow.

I'm serious. 

Knowing that only cerebral spinal fluid is that color, I immediately called my doc. I certainly didn't want to board a plane if something was terribly wrong, but she assured me that I probably had a bit of a sinus infection. I didn't really believe it since I've never had one in my life, and felt no other symptoms, but I accepted her casual diagnosis and spent a beautiful ten days in Hawaii with one of my sisters. 

I now wonder if my body was already trying to alert me that something was, indeed, terribly wrong.

It would be two more months before my back began to ache, and another few weeks after that when I experienced the pain across my chest that took me to my doctor. A week after that, I was diagnosed. 

But next week, exactly one year after this all began, I will again board a plane to the other coast to be with my family.

I have come full circle. 

With a second cancer-free PET scan behind me, I have successfully found my own lane. 

And I have won.