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Katie Kramer, RN/Life Coach/Author
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A Wide-Open Future

4/2/2019

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It has been over a month since my last post, mostly because my life has taken off in a full-blown, frantic pace. 

And I do not like it, not one bit. 

When cancer had been shoved to the back-seat of my life just as the holidays were merrily beginning, I returned to work and resumed my former busy schedules. I couldn't wait to be myself again, enjoying the things I used to before cancer narrowed my life down to just a few good days per month. I needed to feel normal again. 

But I dipped back into my full life so suddenly, and so earnestly, that the pace caught me by surprise. And it's even more surprising since I only work four days a week. I have plenty of down-time to enjoy reading, coffee while writing, long walks with friends, lazy weekends with my grand babies, and massages on my days off. 

I have no reason to complain that my life is so frantically busy. 

And yet it is. I feel the pressure building within me day after day, and I'm not sure what to do about it. 

I do not believe that this internal stress is from wanting to live life fully in the wake of cancer, fearing that I'll miss out if I don't pack it all in while I'm in remission.

Instead, I sense that the rising volcano is from life whipping me around without my full consent: work is busier than it has been in the four years I've been employed there; medical bills and paperwork seem to be piling up around me more than usual; and the days/weeks/months are moving at a faster clip than normal. 

I'm good at managing the controlled chaos, but I don't like that I have to. 

While I was on the couch post-chemotherapy for four straight months, I was able to take in my life as it happened: I ate, I read, I wrote, I rested, and I visited with friends as much as I could. I chose not to worry about the extraneous paperwork and responsibilities outside of paying bills. I knew my friends were nearby, at the ready to help when necessary, and I trusted that my entire life was being taken care of as I healed.

My life felt narrowed by an outside force I could not control, but it also felt more wide-open than ever before.

I had just a few responsibilities to tend to, and the rest of my days were spent doing/seeing/taking care of what was right in front of me. I did not plan out my days and weeks; they were mostly choreographed by treatments and doctor appointments, so I was forced to stay more present in my life. 

While poison coursed through my body killing cancer cells, I was happily enjoying the enormity of my life that had been hijacked by cancer. 

Go figure. 

It's obvious that the antidote to the restlessness I now feel is to remain present in my life without worrying about my financial state, a recently broken washing machine, or a business I'm not sure how to resurrect. 

So why is that so damn difficult? 

Perhaps it's because my life is so wide open. I have so many opportunities to choose from, and so much I want to do. Just a few months ago, I was confined to only what I was able to do, but as a renewed healthy person, I have the world at my feet. 

Where, oh where, do I begin? 

It feels overwhelming to consider, and yet, the answer is the same as it was while I was propped up on the couch: take life one step at a time, staying present to doing only what's right in front of me. 

​Amen. 
​
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    Author

    On May 1st, 2018, my Guru showed himself in the form of a 10.6 x 6 cm tumor deep within my chest cavity (it would soon be revealed through a PET scan that there were actually a dozen small tumors in and around my neck, chest and abdominal cavity).

    ​From the moment he appeared, lessons began to unfold around me, summoning me to listen. Ever the good student, I immediately took note...

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